I AM A WITNESS

My church, my pastor, my friends, chaos of life, ISIS, orphans, widows, the hopeless, the suffering, the lost....Well they have all played a vital role in me taking this step in sharing my story. This is me. This is a story about a girl who was lost and is now redeemed. 

My brokenness begin before I even knew what it was, before I could even identify it. People pleasing, insecurities, comparing in every aspect were just a few of the things that invaded my thought life. I definitely put what others thought of me above God. I also had a monumental event happen in my life that Satan, along with all my other issues, wanted to use to destroy me...but God had different plans. It took me a long time to understand and trust God and His plans but as soon as I did things fell in place. No, that doesn't mean my life has been hunky dory since this revelation but it sure makes life's trials and sufferings a lot easier to handle.
It took a life changing event and me being in a deep broken place before I realized my absolute need for God. I stayed in this deep brokenness for about 10 years....I stayed here, rebelled here, I ran, I hide, I became whatever I thought I needed to be to survive. So, I was very much broken. I believe I probably appeared as any normal teenage/young adult would appear. But, deep down I was hurting. 

So as I mentioned earlier, this life altering event happened. I was 13 and loving life as much as any 13 year old girl could. That summer before our 8th grade year one of my closest friends and I were in a car wreck. I survived. She did not. Let me pause here to tell you a little bit about this precious soul. She was just as beautiful inside as she was on the outside. Boy, did she love life and love to laugh... But, she also loved Jesus. She had just come from youth camp. The youth camp theme that summer was "Carry the Light"... Her name was Kerri. Do I think that was a coincidence? No, it is still a reminder to me today. 

This event was the beginning of my deep embedded brokenness. This is where Satan knew he could weave himself in and hopefully never get out. The loss of my precious friends life and the details of this night haunted me for so many years. The guilt I carried around was almost more than I could handle. I can look back and see God reaching for me. He used my family, he used solid Jesus loving friends, he used some amazing woman, (who I still hold dear to my heart) to help get my attention. But instead I just kept running. I didn't want to face the reality that I had been a part of a decision that had ultimately ended a very precious friends life. 

I knew deep down I needed Jesus. I wanted Him. I wanted Him to take away all that I was feeling. I just didn't think He could or even would. The summer before my junior year my mom forced me to youth camp. I did not want to go, at all. The last evening we were there, the pastors message was about not worrying what others thought and to make sure you knew Jesus. I realized I didn't. That night I asked Jesus in to my heart. God was trying to wake me up. The day I made this decision was the same day I lost my beautiful friend 3 years earlier. Coicidence? I think not. 

I wish I could tell you my life dramatically changed, but it didn't. I still couldn't let go of the guilt and I still couldn't believe that God would forgive me. I knew I would be with Jesus when I died but I also knew there was more to this life then just saying I am Christian and living in fear shame and guilt. 

Fast forward a few years later and I was in my car playing Casting Crowns music and I began to weep. I felt like God reached down and opened up my soul and made me let it all out. I let it all out. I let out all the fear, guilt and suffering I had kept in all those years. I literally felt God reach down and lift it all away. It was the most amazing feeling I have ever had. He comforted me. He healed me. He loved me. He held me. From that moment on, I had a desire and a love for Him that can't and won't be shaken. He is my rock. HE IS MY DELIVERER. Do I still battle guilt, fear and other sins? Yes. Difference is, I believe in my redeemer. I believe in His goodness and mercy. I believe His word. No one else could have pulled me out but Him. I am so thankful for Him. 

More of you, God.

Do you ever feel like you're in the middle of a season or many seasons that all relate to one topic...one giant lesson God is trying to teach you? Can I get an AMEN, sister? I feel I have been in the same lesson for awhile. Oh, and yes I do grasp what that means,but I guess what I haven't grasped is what God means. I can easily get bogged down in the "lessons" and become insecure. But as I've stepped out and looked in and looked back, I see Gods provisions. I see His sweet hands guiding me. But most importantly, I see the spiritual growth that's taking place. Even in my stubbornness and lack of faith, God can change my heart. Praying, spending some good ole quality time with God or an encouraging friend can be just what God uses to make your eyes open to what He is doing and will do. We all are in the midst of a lesson, trial, suffering, or all the above. Sometimes it takes sharing these times with friends for God to get a hold of you or even for you to evaluate where you are in your current situation! It happened to me just this morning.  Now, I definitely encourage talking with friends who will show wisdom and discernment. You don't want someone to go to that place with you, you want them to encourage you out of it.

I feel like I've been learning the same lesson for quite some time. Faith. Patience. Perseverance. Over and over and over again. It started almost 9 years ago when I was sitting at church in Austin. Through a sermon, God spoke to me. I knew something about having children was going to be difficult. I felt peace we would, but God clearly was preparing me for a journey that wasn't a fairytale. Lots of waiting. Lots of not trusting God and doing things my way. Lots of heartache. But every time I can look back and see God once again encouraging me and leading me straight to Him. We are in the midst of yet another journey that involves lots of faith and lots of patience. I am a part of BSF and we are studying Moses. It seems to me, God couldn't be any more clear then for me to be studying about the Isrealires journey to the Promise Land. Oh they grumbled and oh they disobeyed and oh they sure tried to do it all without God. I have felt myself wanting to say...Seriously, people get it together. Just shut up and listen to God. Yep, that's when God so kindly reminds me that I do this over and over again. Ugh! Why can't I get it together? Why can't I seem to learn the first time? We are only on the first few days of our wait on that special life changer phone call and I'm already saying to God, "ok please don't make me wait 9 months.... You've already made me wait so long... Oh god please. I can't do it. I don't want to do it. I'm tired of waiting." Yep, guilty guilty guilty. As I was thinking all this through this morning God reminded me of several verses that have been in the study of Moses.

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14
"The Lord your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as He did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes..." Deut. 1:30

This was definitely God's way of reminding me and encouraging me. If God has you on a journey, He will finish it. You have to trust Him. Faith in His promises. Even when the journey seems never ending or impossible, God will prevail. He's already gone before us and finished the race. Dig deep friends and in your trials look up. Believe in God who is the one and only promise keeper.

The Song for the Suffering...

"He is the song for the suffering,
He is messiah
The prince of Peace has come
He has come, Emmanuel

For all who wait

For all who hunger 

For all who've prayed 

For all who wonder

Behold your King

Behold Messiah

Emmanuel, Emmanuel"

That is by far one of my favorite songs. It's Lauren Daigle, "Light of the World." Download it now if you haven't heard it. You will either bust out in a crazy hands worship moment or hit your knees and complete brokenness and thankfulness for our merciful God. I haven't listened to this song since Christmas. I heard it again last night in my car. I couldn't help but be broke for the broken. I hurt for the suffering. 

As we have had our eyes opened to all the hurt and orphaned children in the world through our adoption process, this song plays a whole new tune for me. I see firsthand children who have deep embedded wounds from the people who were supposed to love and nurture them. I see abandoned children all over the world. Abuse, neglect, suffering, and isolation are just a few of the circumstances or current situations these children endure on day to day basis. No, I don't get it. It doesn't make sense. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, Do something!!!  

But what I do know, there is someone who holds the whole world in their hands. I do know who promises justice. I do know the promise keeper.  I do know who holds these innocent kids. I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful because I believe in the only one who gives hope to the hopeless. 

Where is your hope? What do you believe in? I think if I didn't believe what a miserable life it would be. What would I look forward to? What would I hope for? Who would I have complete trust in? The thought of this saddened me.  I know there are people all around me who go day to day, utterly hopeless. Oh, if I could just pour Jesus in to you, I would. The experience you can have with God is unexplainable and unimaginable. Once you get a taste of Jesus and you let him completely in, there's no going back. This is where Hope is found, at the feet of Jesus.  Friend, find Him. Cling to Him and then share with everyone you know. He shouldn't ever be the best kept secret! 

Crazy in Love

I finally decided it was time to start this blogging thing again. I haven't done much writing since our failed adoption and then the birth of our second son. Mainly because life just got crazy. I've been wanting to write for awhile now but just haven't made it a priority. I finally decided to make it one because I feel as if I'm going to burst! I am crazy in love with JESUS!!  I think about him all the time. I want to learn more about Him every second I can and I want to talk and talk and talk about who he is. So, I've decided the best way to get it all out is to write about Him. To talk about the goodness, mercy and grace that i see multiple times a day.
After our failed adoption God showed up in big ways. He came to me in the most intimate moments. When my second child was born with a congenital heart defect God didn't let me wander around mindlessly as I tried to figure it all out. Instead he whispered to me.... He covered me in His goodness, his sweetness and his unfailing love. Maybe through my son's sickness I changed. I think, no I know, that was God's plan all along. He used Jack's sickness and healing to draw me close to him. So He could be glorified and known. Because isn't that the whole purpose of it all..... To know Him and to make him known. Just like Casting Crowns sings.
Now a year and half later we are trudging through the adoption process again and I can see Him. I can see him clearly. Even through the confusion, frustration and doubts, I see him. Sometimes I have to fight and fight hard. Sometimes He sweetly brings friends along side me to encourage and help me along but I always see Him.....because he always shows up. His word promises that if we seek, we will find. I am finding that more and more to be true. Not that my believing made it truth but I'm starting to make it a point to see Him. He's always been here but my lack of focus and intimacy with him has left me wondering. I truly believe when we can't find Him, it's not because he's hiding or doesn't want to he found its because we are choosing to ignore Him. We are choosing not to see him. I know when circumstances come crashing down your door and God wants you to look at them head on and fight through it and face it but fear gets the best of you and you lose focus...that's when we don't see Him. Sometimes seeing Him means doing something that is so far from our norm that it leaves us on our knees at His mercy and begging for Him! Bingo. There it is. Sometimes God gets our best attention, when we can't move breathe or stand. That's when we see Him swoop in and do what He does best, love. God is good at loving us. He is perfect at it. We just have to receive it.
I am crazy in love with Him and I can't imagine why or how he loves me. The God of the universe loves me. He loves me so much that He leaves personal little love notes for me on a daily basis. He is perfection. He is hope. He is love. He is my God and I am crazy about Him.