Everytime I look at my youngest child, I see God's love for His people. I also see a God though, that desires for His people to be sold out for Him. To realize that we are nothing and He is everything. He used Jack to bring me to my knees, literally, and come to a place of complete desperation depending solely on Him.
Jack was born with a serious heart defect known as Transpostion of the Great Arteries. Right after I delivered him, we knew something wasn't right because half of his body was blue, the other half pink. See, Jacks main arteries were switched so the oxygenated blood was circulating to one half while the non oxygenated blood circulated to the other half. We soon found out that he would be transported to Dallas for open heart surgery. The few days after Jack was born and until his surgery where like a whirlwind, meeting with doctors and getting settled in Dallas. We knew we would be there for several weeks. The day of his surgery came and it also meant I got to hold my sweet boy for the first time. It was such a sweet moment and I will cherish that for as long as I live. I didn't know at that point if I would hold him again. I wasn't 100% sure he would make it through the 8-10 hour heart surgery that was about to take place. I do remember, as I was holding him, it felt like God was holding me. As crazy as it sounds, I could feel our Heavenly Father loving me. I was trying to hard to be strong but God knew I was broken inside. He whispered to me through the moments I had with my son before they wheeled him through the double doors that left me very uncertain.
I walked into a waiting filled with family and friends. I was overwhelmed with thankfulness and gratitude that so many people where there praying and loving our family. That is another moment that is etched in mind for the long haul. There is nothing more humbling but also more uplifting then seeing your family and friends rally around you praying and supporting you during a difficult time. The hours ticked by slowly and sometimes quickly. We got many updates, all that Jack was doing well. Finally the time had come for him to be wheeled to the ICU. All the family and friends were able to stand in the hall and we would get to take a peek at him on his way to his room. His home for the next several weeks. I can remember standing there as his little bed crept closer and closer to me. I couldn't wait to see his face. To know he had made it. He had survived. That God had worked a miracle. When his little bed with tubes and machines hooked up in every direction finally made it to me, I bent down and kissed my sweet boy and felt grief more than I can ever imagine. Seeing him almost lifeless, a machine breathing for him, he was bruised and pale, he was just a few days old. Oh my heart shattered and broke in a million pieces. As they rolled him away I finally broke. I finally started feeling what God was wanting to do in me. That I had nothing to offer my son besides my whispered and desperate prayers, but that my God is bigger and he is enough. I felt as if I was going to faint. But God knew He was working out something big in me. An hour or so later, they called my husband and I back to see him and also get the run down on the room and how things would look from this point on. As the nurse was going over the logistics, all the doctors and nurses were checking him and getting him settled. I was keeping my ears on to what the nurse was saying but I was also keeping an eye on my son. In just a matter of seconds I see the cardiologist starting to do compressions with his two fingers on my sons small chest, the next thing I know they are pushing us out the door and calling for a crash cart and for the surgeon to get there immediately. I can't even begin to describe what I was thinking or doing but I immediately fell to my knees and the only words that I could utter was the name Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. I needed him. I wanted him now. I wanted him to breath life into my son. To fight for him. There was nothing I could do. Nothing my husband could do. We were helpless to this precious life that was struggling. They finally moved us into their waiting area. I remember looking up at Jerrell and saying why? Why would God allow us to see this? I can't take it? Immediately jerrell grabbed my hands and he prayed. He uttered the only words that he could find, God save our son. Please help the doctors know what to do. We both looked at each other and knew we both were helpless. We wanted to fix it. We wanted to fight for our child. We made it out to the waiting room. I was met with family and friends who were praying and ready to hug and love on us. Jerrell had sent a text out letting everyone that was still waiting, to pray. I found out later that some of our family who was traveling home had pulled over and prayed for Jack. Amazing! Finall, after what felt like forever the surgeon, Dr. Mendeloff, wanted to speak to us. We knew Jack had made it but we didn't know what had happened or any details on his prognosis at this point. We found out that when they thought he was crashing it was actually a malfunction of some of the internal readings. But, the surgeon was very glad that it happened because it showed them that there was other things going on that they needed to look at. He said unfortunately if those machines wouldn't have malfunctioned, he probably would have crashed in the middle of the night which would not have been the scenario I would want. Dr Mendeloff would have had to been called in. When this happened he was next door. Do I feel that is a coincidence? No way. I am thankful those machines malfunctioned. They were able to fix a problem in my son before they even knew it was a problem. Through all of that, God painted the picture of His desire for us to depend on him. We can't depend on those machines, nor the surgeon, not on our emotions, or what feels right. All we have is Him. All our dependence can fall on Him. He took me to a low place to show me when I can physically do nothing He can do everything. Thankful for a God who cares so much for me. So much for my son. I know God could have chosen to take my son and I'm thankful He did not. He did choose to grow me in very big ways. I see God in my son everyday. That is a blessing. ❤️
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