God Never Fails

Everytime I look at my youngest child, I see God's love for His people. I also see a God though, that desires for His people to be sold out for Him. To realize that we are nothing and He is everything. He used Jack to bring me to my knees, literally, and come to a place of complete desperation depending solely on Him.
Jack was born with a serious heart defect known as Transpostion of the Great Arteries. Right after I delivered him, we knew something wasn't right because half of his body was blue, the other half pink. See, Jacks main arteries were switched so the oxygenated blood was circulating to one half while the non oxygenated blood circulated to the other half. We soon found out that he would be transported to Dallas for open heart surgery. The few days after Jack was born and until his surgery where like a whirlwind, meeting with doctors and getting settled in Dallas. We knew we would be there for several weeks. The day of his surgery came and it also meant I got to hold my sweet boy for the first time. It was such a sweet moment and I will cherish that for as long as I live. I didn't know at that point if I would hold him again. I wasn't 100% sure he would make it through the 8-10 hour heart surgery that was about to take place. I do remember, as I was holding him, it felt like God was holding me. As crazy as it sounds, I could feel our Heavenly Father loving me. I was trying to hard to be strong but God knew I was broken inside. He whispered to me through the moments I had with my son before they wheeled him through the double doors that left me very uncertain.
I walked into a waiting filled with family and friends. I was overwhelmed with thankfulness and gratitude that so many people where there praying and loving our family. That is another moment that is etched in mind for the long haul. There is nothing more humbling but also more uplifting then seeing your family and friends rally around you praying and supporting you during a difficult time. The hours ticked by slowly and sometimes quickly. We got many updates, all that Jack was doing well. Finally the time had come for him to be wheeled to the ICU. All the family and friends were able to stand in the hall and we would get to take a peek at him on his way to his room. His home for the next several weeks. I can remember standing there as his little bed crept closer and closer to me. I couldn't wait to see his face. To know he had made it. He had survived. That God had worked a miracle. When his little bed with tubes and machines hooked up in every direction finally made it to me, I bent down and kissed my sweet boy and felt grief more than I can ever imagine. Seeing him almost lifeless, a machine breathing for him, he was bruised and pale, he was just a few days old. Oh my heart shattered and broke in a million pieces. As they rolled him away I finally broke. I finally started feeling what God was wanting to do in me. That I had nothing to offer my son besides my whispered and desperate prayers, but that my God is bigger and he is enough. I felt as if I was going to faint. But God knew He was working out something big in me. An hour or so later, they called my husband  and I back to see him and also get the run down on the room and how things would look from this point on. As the nurse was going over the logistics, all the doctors and nurses were checking him and getting him settled. I was keeping my ears on to what the nurse was saying but I was also keeping an eye on my son. In just a matter of seconds I see the cardiologist starting to do compressions with his two fingers on my sons small chest, the next thing I know they are pushing us out the door and calling for a crash cart and for the surgeon to get there immediately. I can't even begin to describe what I was thinking or doing but I immediately fell to my knees and the only words that I could utter was the name Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. I needed him. I wanted him now. I wanted him to breath life into my son. To fight for him. There was nothing I could do. Nothing my husband could do. We were helpless to this precious life that was struggling. They finally moved us into their waiting area. I remember looking up at Jerrell and saying why? Why would God allow us to see this? I can't take it? Immediately jerrell grabbed my hands and he prayed. He uttered the only words that he could find, God save our son. Please help the doctors know what to do. We both looked at each other and knew we both were helpless. We wanted to fix it. We wanted to fight for our child. We made it out to the waiting room. I was met with family and friends who were praying and ready to hug and love on us. Jerrell  had sent a text out letting everyone that was still waiting, to pray. I found out later that some of our family who was traveling home had pulled over and prayed for Jack. Amazing! Finall,  after what felt like forever the surgeon, Dr. Mendeloff, wanted to speak to us. We knew Jack had made it but we didn't know what had happened or any details on his prognosis at this point. We found out that when they thought he was crashing it was actually a malfunction of some of the internal readings. But, the surgeon was very glad that it happened because it showed them that there was other things going on that they needed to look at. He said unfortunately if those machines wouldn't have malfunctioned, he probably would have crashed in the middle of the night which would not have been the scenario I would want. Dr Mendeloff would have had to been called in. When this happened he was next door. Do I feel that is a coincidence? No way. I am thankful those machines malfunctioned. They were able to fix a problem in my son before they even knew it was a problem. Through all of that, God painted the picture of His desire for us to depend on him. We can't depend on those machines, nor the surgeon, not on our emotions, or what feels right. All we have is Him. All our dependence can fall on Him. He took me to a low place to show me when I can physically do nothing He can do everything. Thankful for a God who cares so much for me. So much for my son. I know God could  have chosen to take my son and I'm thankful He did not. He did choose to grow me in very big ways. I see God in my son  everyday. That is a blessing. ❤️

Valleys and Mountain Tops...

We always strive for those mountain top experiences. I think we can quickly forget that to have those "mountain top everybody wants to be there experiences", God has to take us through a valley. I'm slowly (very very slowly) learning to appreciate the valleys that God takes me through.... And the only reason is because the mountain top experiences that He leads me to are life changing and honestly supernatural. It's hard. It stinks. They make me want to run and hide but when I get a glimpse of Him and what He's done for me, I push through. If you think about it, God does some amazing things at the top of mountains. Moses had some pretty awesome interactions with God and the transfiguration happened at the top of the mountain. But both Moses and Jesus had to go through some heavy hard life changing trials before God took them to their mountain top. It makes me wonder how many times I have changed Gods path for me and missed those mountain tops He so wanted to bring me to. It is so easy to lose focus and concentrate on all the things wrong in our present circumstances to the point of defeat but God's living word tells us in Psalm 16 that if we set Him before us we will not be shaken. Will we feel pain? Yes. Will we want to run, hide and beg God to deliver us? Probably so. But, we also will feel His amazing beautiful presence. His unfailing love. His steadfast love. His deliverance. Stay strong ladies, God does amazing things at the top of your mountain.

I AM A WITNESS

My church, my pastor, my friends, chaos of life, ISIS, orphans, widows, the hopeless, the suffering, the lost....Well they have all played a vital role in me taking this step in sharing my story. This is me. This is a story about a girl who was lost and is now redeemed. 

My brokenness begin before I even knew what it was, before I could even identify it. People pleasing, insecurities, comparing in every aspect were just a few of the things that invaded my thought life. I definitely put what others thought of me above God. I also had a monumental event happen in my life that Satan, along with all my other issues, wanted to use to destroy me...but God had different plans. It took me a long time to understand and trust God and His plans but as soon as I did things fell in place. No, that doesn't mean my life has been hunky dory since this revelation but it sure makes life's trials and sufferings a lot easier to handle.
It took a life changing event and me being in a deep broken place before I realized my absolute need for God. I stayed in this deep brokenness for about 10 years....I stayed here, rebelled here, I ran, I hide, I became whatever I thought I needed to be to survive. So, I was very much broken. I believe I probably appeared as any normal teenage/young adult would appear. But, deep down I was hurting. 

So as I mentioned earlier, this life altering event happened. I was 13 and loving life as much as any 13 year old girl could. That summer before our 8th grade year one of my closest friends and I were in a car wreck. I survived. She did not. Let me pause here to tell you a little bit about this precious soul. She was just as beautiful inside as she was on the outside. Boy, did she love life and love to laugh... But, she also loved Jesus. She had just come from youth camp. The youth camp theme that summer was "Carry the Light"... Her name was Kerri. Do I think that was a coincidence? No, it is still a reminder to me today. 

This event was the beginning of my deep embedded brokenness. This is where Satan knew he could weave himself in and hopefully never get out. The loss of my precious friends life and the details of this night haunted me for so many years. The guilt I carried around was almost more than I could handle. I can look back and see God reaching for me. He used my family, he used solid Jesus loving friends, he used some amazing woman, (who I still hold dear to my heart) to help get my attention. But instead I just kept running. I didn't want to face the reality that I had been a part of a decision that had ultimately ended a very precious friends life. 

I knew deep down I needed Jesus. I wanted Him. I wanted Him to take away all that I was feeling. I just didn't think He could or even would. The summer before my junior year my mom forced me to youth camp. I did not want to go, at all. The last evening we were there, the pastors message was about not worrying what others thought and to make sure you knew Jesus. I realized I didn't. That night I asked Jesus in to my heart. God was trying to wake me up. The day I made this decision was the same day I lost my beautiful friend 3 years earlier. Coicidence? I think not. 

I wish I could tell you my life dramatically changed, but it didn't. I still couldn't let go of the guilt and I still couldn't believe that God would forgive me. I knew I would be with Jesus when I died but I also knew there was more to this life then just saying I am Christian and living in fear shame and guilt. 

Fast forward a few years later and I was in my car playing Casting Crowns music and I began to weep. I felt like God reached down and opened up my soul and made me let it all out. I let it all out. I let out all the fear, guilt and suffering I had kept in all those years. I literally felt God reach down and lift it all away. It was the most amazing feeling I have ever had. He comforted me. He healed me. He loved me. He held me. From that moment on, I had a desire and a love for Him that can't and won't be shaken. He is my rock. HE IS MY DELIVERER. Do I still battle guilt, fear and other sins? Yes. Difference is, I believe in my redeemer. I believe in His goodness and mercy. I believe His word. No one else could have pulled me out but Him. I am so thankful for Him. 

More of you, God.

Do you ever feel like you're in the middle of a season or many seasons that all relate to one topic...one giant lesson God is trying to teach you? Can I get an AMEN, sister? I feel I have been in the same lesson for awhile. Oh, and yes I do grasp what that means,but I guess what I haven't grasped is what God means. I can easily get bogged down in the "lessons" and become insecure. But as I've stepped out and looked in and looked back, I see Gods provisions. I see His sweet hands guiding me. But most importantly, I see the spiritual growth that's taking place. Even in my stubbornness and lack of faith, God can change my heart. Praying, spending some good ole quality time with God or an encouraging friend can be just what God uses to make your eyes open to what He is doing and will do. We all are in the midst of a lesson, trial, suffering, or all the above. Sometimes it takes sharing these times with friends for God to get a hold of you or even for you to evaluate where you are in your current situation! It happened to me just this morning.  Now, I definitely encourage talking with friends who will show wisdom and discernment. You don't want someone to go to that place with you, you want them to encourage you out of it.

I feel like I've been learning the same lesson for quite some time. Faith. Patience. Perseverance. Over and over and over again. It started almost 9 years ago when I was sitting at church in Austin. Through a sermon, God spoke to me. I knew something about having children was going to be difficult. I felt peace we would, but God clearly was preparing me for a journey that wasn't a fairytale. Lots of waiting. Lots of not trusting God and doing things my way. Lots of heartache. But every time I can look back and see God once again encouraging me and leading me straight to Him. We are in the midst of yet another journey that involves lots of faith and lots of patience. I am a part of BSF and we are studying Moses. It seems to me, God couldn't be any more clear then for me to be studying about the Isrealires journey to the Promise Land. Oh they grumbled and oh they disobeyed and oh they sure tried to do it all without God. I have felt myself wanting to say...Seriously, people get it together. Just shut up and listen to God. Yep, that's when God so kindly reminds me that I do this over and over again. Ugh! Why can't I get it together? Why can't I seem to learn the first time? We are only on the first few days of our wait on that special life changer phone call and I'm already saying to God, "ok please don't make me wait 9 months.... You've already made me wait so long... Oh god please. I can't do it. I don't want to do it. I'm tired of waiting." Yep, guilty guilty guilty. As I was thinking all this through this morning God reminded me of several verses that have been in the study of Moses.

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14
"The Lord your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as He did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes..." Deut. 1:30

This was definitely God's way of reminding me and encouraging me. If God has you on a journey, He will finish it. You have to trust Him. Faith in His promises. Even when the journey seems never ending or impossible, God will prevail. He's already gone before us and finished the race. Dig deep friends and in your trials look up. Believe in God who is the one and only promise keeper.

The Song for the Suffering...

"He is the song for the suffering,
He is messiah
The prince of Peace has come
He has come, Emmanuel

For all who wait

For all who hunger 

For all who've prayed 

For all who wonder

Behold your King

Behold Messiah

Emmanuel, Emmanuel"

That is by far one of my favorite songs. It's Lauren Daigle, "Light of the World." Download it now if you haven't heard it. You will either bust out in a crazy hands worship moment or hit your knees and complete brokenness and thankfulness for our merciful God. I haven't listened to this song since Christmas. I heard it again last night in my car. I couldn't help but be broke for the broken. I hurt for the suffering. 

As we have had our eyes opened to all the hurt and orphaned children in the world through our adoption process, this song plays a whole new tune for me. I see firsthand children who have deep embedded wounds from the people who were supposed to love and nurture them. I see abandoned children all over the world. Abuse, neglect, suffering, and isolation are just a few of the circumstances or current situations these children endure on day to day basis. No, I don't get it. It doesn't make sense. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, Do something!!!  

But what I do know, there is someone who holds the whole world in their hands. I do know who promises justice. I do know the promise keeper.  I do know who holds these innocent kids. I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful because I believe in the only one who gives hope to the hopeless. 

Where is your hope? What do you believe in? I think if I didn't believe what a miserable life it would be. What would I look forward to? What would I hope for? Who would I have complete trust in? The thought of this saddened me.  I know there are people all around me who go day to day, utterly hopeless. Oh, if I could just pour Jesus in to you, I would. The experience you can have with God is unexplainable and unimaginable. Once you get a taste of Jesus and you let him completely in, there's no going back. This is where Hope is found, at the feet of Jesus.  Friend, find Him. Cling to Him and then share with everyone you know. He shouldn't ever be the best kept secret! 

Crazy in Love

I finally decided it was time to start this blogging thing again. I haven't done much writing since our failed adoption and then the birth of our second son. Mainly because life just got crazy. I've been wanting to write for awhile now but just haven't made it a priority. I finally decided to make it one because I feel as if I'm going to burst! I am crazy in love with JESUS!!  I think about him all the time. I want to learn more about Him every second I can and I want to talk and talk and talk about who he is. So, I've decided the best way to get it all out is to write about Him. To talk about the goodness, mercy and grace that i see multiple times a day.
After our failed adoption God showed up in big ways. He came to me in the most intimate moments. When my second child was born with a congenital heart defect God didn't let me wander around mindlessly as I tried to figure it all out. Instead he whispered to me.... He covered me in His goodness, his sweetness and his unfailing love. Maybe through my son's sickness I changed. I think, no I know, that was God's plan all along. He used Jack's sickness and healing to draw me close to him. So He could be glorified and known. Because isn't that the whole purpose of it all..... To know Him and to make him known. Just like Casting Crowns sings.
Now a year and half later we are trudging through the adoption process again and I can see Him. I can see him clearly. Even through the confusion, frustration and doubts, I see him. Sometimes I have to fight and fight hard. Sometimes He sweetly brings friends along side me to encourage and help me along but I always see Him.....because he always shows up. His word promises that if we seek, we will find. I am finding that more and more to be true. Not that my believing made it truth but I'm starting to make it a point to see Him. He's always been here but my lack of focus and intimacy with him has left me wondering. I truly believe when we can't find Him, it's not because he's hiding or doesn't want to he found its because we are choosing to ignore Him. We are choosing not to see him. I know when circumstances come crashing down your door and God wants you to look at them head on and fight through it and face it but fear gets the best of you and you lose focus...that's when we don't see Him. Sometimes seeing Him means doing something that is so far from our norm that it leaves us on our knees at His mercy and begging for Him! Bingo. There it is. Sometimes God gets our best attention, when we can't move breathe or stand. That's when we see Him swoop in and do what He does best, love. God is good at loving us. He is perfect at it. We just have to receive it.
I am crazy in love with Him and I can't imagine why or how he loves me. The God of the universe loves me. He loves me so much that He leaves personal little love notes for me on a daily basis. He is perfection. He is hope. He is love. He is my God and I am crazy about Him.