I AM A WITNESS

My church, my pastor, my friends, chaos of life, ISIS, orphans, widows, the hopeless, the suffering, the lost....Well they have all played a vital role in me taking this step in sharing my story. This is me. This is a story about a girl who was lost and is now redeemed. 

My brokenness begin before I even knew what it was, before I could even identify it. People pleasing, insecurities, comparing in every aspect were just a few of the things that invaded my thought life. I definitely put what others thought of me above God. I also had a monumental event happen in my life that Satan, along with all my other issues, wanted to use to destroy me...but God had different plans. It took me a long time to understand and trust God and His plans but as soon as I did things fell in place. No, that doesn't mean my life has been hunky dory since this revelation but it sure makes life's trials and sufferings a lot easier to handle.
It took a life changing event and me being in a deep broken place before I realized my absolute need for God. I stayed in this deep brokenness for about 10 years....I stayed here, rebelled here, I ran, I hide, I became whatever I thought I needed to be to survive. So, I was very much broken. I believe I probably appeared as any normal teenage/young adult would appear. But, deep down I was hurting. 

So as I mentioned earlier, this life altering event happened. I was 13 and loving life as much as any 13 year old girl could. That summer before our 8th grade year one of my closest friends and I were in a car wreck. I survived. She did not. Let me pause here to tell you a little bit about this precious soul. She was just as beautiful inside as she was on the outside. Boy, did she love life and love to laugh... But, she also loved Jesus. She had just come from youth camp. The youth camp theme that summer was "Carry the Light"... Her name was Kerri. Do I think that was a coincidence? No, it is still a reminder to me today. 

This event was the beginning of my deep embedded brokenness. This is where Satan knew he could weave himself in and hopefully never get out. The loss of my precious friends life and the details of this night haunted me for so many years. The guilt I carried around was almost more than I could handle. I can look back and see God reaching for me. He used my family, he used solid Jesus loving friends, he used some amazing woman, (who I still hold dear to my heart) to help get my attention. But instead I just kept running. I didn't want to face the reality that I had been a part of a decision that had ultimately ended a very precious friends life. 

I knew deep down I needed Jesus. I wanted Him. I wanted Him to take away all that I was feeling. I just didn't think He could or even would. The summer before my junior year my mom forced me to youth camp. I did not want to go, at all. The last evening we were there, the pastors message was about not worrying what others thought and to make sure you knew Jesus. I realized I didn't. That night I asked Jesus in to my heart. God was trying to wake me up. The day I made this decision was the same day I lost my beautiful friend 3 years earlier. Coicidence? I think not. 

I wish I could tell you my life dramatically changed, but it didn't. I still couldn't let go of the guilt and I still couldn't believe that God would forgive me. I knew I would be with Jesus when I died but I also knew there was more to this life then just saying I am Christian and living in fear shame and guilt. 

Fast forward a few years later and I was in my car playing Casting Crowns music and I began to weep. I felt like God reached down and opened up my soul and made me let it all out. I let it all out. I let out all the fear, guilt and suffering I had kept in all those years. I literally felt God reach down and lift it all away. It was the most amazing feeling I have ever had. He comforted me. He healed me. He loved me. He held me. From that moment on, I had a desire and a love for Him that can't and won't be shaken. He is my rock. HE IS MY DELIVERER. Do I still battle guilt, fear and other sins? Yes. Difference is, I believe in my redeemer. I believe in His goodness and mercy. I believe His word. No one else could have pulled me out but Him. I am so thankful for Him.